The Great Curmudgeon Ted Williams, who other than hitting a baseball could fly the hell out of a combat war plane, once decided to become a manager of one of the most sad-sack franchises this side of Detroit, the Washington Senators. You’d think one of the best baseball players of all time could figure out how to lead a team to victory. But any hope of this proved inaccurate during a press interview when reporters questioned Ted about the various reasons his team sucked. 

Ted spoke for a while about nothing-ness instead of addressing his pitching woes, lost his patience, threw hit hands up in the air, and said, “F*ck it. Let’s hit.” 

Honestly, in today’s era with ridiculous millions poured into Ivy leaguers that were picked last on every playground in America, perhaps this simple philosophy to build a baseball team may do much better than expected.

This division clearly heeded the call of the Williams’ Siren Song. Let’s dive in. 

Northwoods Trekkers: 

Jose Soler and Raffy Devers are going to mash some bombs in the Northwoods. And with Corbin Carroll hitting in front of them, they are likely to have someone when they mash away. The Trekkers are big fans of the old 90s commercial, “chicks dig the long ball.” Sean Murphy, Carlon Correa, Brandon Lowe… even DH Byron Buxton will swing for the fences. They will also swing and miss alot. 

LeClerc, Jax, Ferguson, Doval make for a pretty fine back of the pen to protect those 3-run leads the mashers create. But the question mark here is the rotation, where a lot of, shall we say… “crafty” types take the mound day in and day out: Seth Lugo, Jordan Montgomery, Shane Mclanahan, Ky Hendricks all paint. If they paint well, the Trekkers have a chance to lead.

Shoreline Sockeyes:

The Sockeyes can pitch a little, more on that later, but true to the division, they can smash with the best of them. Matt Olson will hit 50-plus and joined by Happ, Duvall, Drury, Contreras and Yaz who though unsung, should all tack on another 20 each. All of which is made that much better by star Shortstop Corey Seager and 3b Alex Bregman. 

But yes, they have some pitchers. They won’t strike fear in people, but they can dizzle dazzle with the best of them. Ace Freddy Peralta is backed by Oviedo, Ober, Rookie Reese Olson,and Mitch Kelly. Like we said, not scary, but no free passes on most days in Shoreline. The bullpen is backed by super closer Felix Bautista, backed by super closer Devon Williams (good lord, that’s three TJs waiting in the wings.. More on that in another edition) bridged to by Shelby Miller and D. Moreta (I think that’s a five-card stud hand of TJs or related injuries if I’m not mistaken, so while the Sockeyes, can in fact pitch a pit, there are serious doubts if they actually CAN pitch next year. Problems for another day.

Arizona Desert Rats:

The Desert Rats may have found their way into the wrong division as one clearly pitcher first team. That distinction could be the thing that puts them over the top. Despite Sir Ted, pitching wins games. Justin Verlander, Jose Berrios, Braxton Garrett, Sean Manea, and Mike Clevinger could be the strongest rotation in the division. Bednar (for this year, anyway) is a bedrock on the back end. Unheralded set up men like Vest, Soriano, Stephenson and Spier make a solid bullpen. 

Offensively Arizona is fine. But compared to the lumberjacks in this division, they may be a bit short on firepower. Belinger is a strong all-around card (though not the MVP of old), Ozuna can certainly mash. Will Smith and Francisco Lindor are anchors, but also traditionally guys whose cards rarely do them justice. Add in Torres, Raley and Cooper, who can all be 20-hr guys and it’s strong offense. With good defense in Bellinger, Lindor and Chapman at 3b. Solid, solid.. With good pitching. Is this the winning combination, the anti-Williams? 

Hebron Huskies: 

The Huskies are built on a very, un-Williams like balance. Yes, they’ve got some elite hitters like Bo Bichette, Julio Rodriguez and even Cal Raleigh for an offensive catcher. They have some nice on base table setters like Triolo and Julien. They’ve got some power and a lot of strikeouts in Spencer Torkelson. It’s a decent offense with plenty of upside. 

The young staff certainly has promise as Logan Gilbert is on the verge of Ace-dom, Jesus Luzardo is a solid #2 lefty, Stroman is the wiley veteran. Kikuci and Gore look great, if you have a crystal ball. It may not look so great this year. There really isn’t a “closer,” and we all know how closers by committee go, but mix and match relievers Cano, Minter, Sims, Foley and others can snuff some rallies out. It’s all a nice team. Lots of youth. Plenty of future promise, and maybe, maybe just maybe, a playoff team. But nothing that scares you, especially in the Premiere Conference. 

Northwest Wolves:

Of all the offensive-focused teams in this division, the true Ode To Williams is the Northwest Wolves, because if there is one team that most personifies Ted’s Washington Senators, it’s the Northwest Trekkers. F*ck it, they can hit. Freddie Freeman is going to the hall of fame because nobody is a model of consistent high average, gap hitter with power than him. And he’s teeing it up right after another HOFer Jose Altuve, who is still the best offensive 2b despite being short, and old! If there’s another better offensive 2b is Marcus Seimien, and he’s on this team too, which moves Altuve to DH. Oh yeah, SS, Trea Turner. OF, Reborn Christian Yelich… Outman, Castellenos, Heim… mashers all. 

Pitching?? Well… If one of the greatest hitters of all-time needed a pitching coach, then sure as shooting Northwest does. A whole pitching lab, perhaps, because this is a staff that thinks their job is to let the other team hit! Lance Lynn and Lucas Giolito would have been a great pair… three years ago. They may well give up 100 Hrs between them. Christian Javier, tack on another 40. We haven’t’ even gotten Pat Corbin yet. The Wolves will be by far the most entertaining team to watch. Who wins will on many nights go down to the two-minute drill in the final quarter for the winning TD! 

Hawaii Islanders: 

If any team in the Premiere Conference built their team with a eye cast toward next year, it’s the Islanders. Eovaldi and Gray are good middle of rotation inning eaters, but both are off to strong starts in 2025. Matt Waldron will chill in the minors, ready to unleash his knuckler in 2025. “Ace” Dylan Cease had a down year in 2024, still pretty good and until recently looked like he would soon return to ace-dom. And the same could be said for many pitchers. Kevin Guasman and Bassitt will lead the charge in 2024. 

The offense, as can be expected in Sir Ted’s conference, looks more focused on this year in true “let’s hit” fashion. Canha, Kepler, Marte, Jankowski, Candelario, and Fraley all have really strong cards. Most don’t replicate it (so far in 2025). But guys like Masyn Winn and Ben Rortverdt will be ready for 2025. The islanders stuck an interesting balance that will be fascinating to see how it all plays out over not one year, but two.